I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
