I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
