Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
