I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
