dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
