you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
