I want to stick my p in your. b.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
