So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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