He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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