I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
