That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
