No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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