New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
My dick has a subreddit
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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