just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
