i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
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