he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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