I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
