Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
