I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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