Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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