people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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