She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
