Your dad touched me again.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
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i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
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I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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