i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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