i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
