ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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