Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
