Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
