dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
