Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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