Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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