god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
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I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
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Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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