Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
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He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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