Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
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I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
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My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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