My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
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Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
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I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
My dick has a subreddit
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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