What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Randomize
