i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
