Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
