She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
