Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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