Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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