Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
