so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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