I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
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