I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
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I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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