The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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