I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
