can we get nightvision for the apartment?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
