My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
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She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
