Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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