Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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