My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
