not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You pole danced in your parka.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
