so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
