at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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