When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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